So far these are the heaviest days of my life…
so far this is the longest tear jerker…
So far this is the deepest sadness i have ever felt…
my systems seem to be not functioning…
I wish can be find my happiness soon too…
I am sorry….hoping the best for you…
Tell me when this will stop…. when this will end… the sorrow…the sadness…the madness… and the pain.
Everywhere i go, i see your face. Everywhere i turn, i remember the things we did. Every time i sleep, it’s you i meet. Everything i touch, i feel you’re there.
It’s hard, it’s heavy, It’s sad, It’s driving me crazy…..
After all that has been said in done… it’s still you…inside my head
I woke up this morning with a smile on my face
And nobody’s gonna bring me down today
I’ve been feeling like nothings been going my way lately
But I decided right here and now that my outlooks gonna change
That’s why I’m gonna
Say goodbye to all the tears I’ve cried
And everytime somebody hurt my pride
Feeling like they won’t let me live life
And take the time to look at what is mine
I see every lesson so clearly
I thank God for what I got from above
I believe they can take anything from me
But they can’t succeed in taking my inner peace from me
They can say all they wanna say about me
But I’m gonna carry on
I’m going keep on singing my song
I never wanna dwell on my pain again
There’s no use in reliving how I hurt back then
Remembering too well, the hell I felt when I was running out of faith
Every step I’m about to take is towards a better day
Cos I’m about to
Say farewell to every single lie
& All the fears I’ve held too long inside
Every time I felt I couldn’t cry
All the negativity I had inside
For too long I’ve been struggling. I couldn’t go on
But now I’ve found I’m feeling strong and moving on
I believe they can take anything from me
But they can’t succeed in taking my inner peace from me
They can say all they wanna say about me
But I’m gonna carry on
I’m gonna keep on singing my song
I’m humanly unable to please
Everyone at the same time, so now I’ve found
My peace of mind living one day at a time
At the end I answer to one god
It comes down to one love
til’ I get to heaven above
I’ve made the decision
Never to give in
Til the I day I die no matter what
I’m gonna carry on I will keep on singing my song…..
They say you will know how much someone is worth when his gone…partly, for even then i already knew this person is worth a lot. I knew that his worth keeping and worth loving… but it failed… it failed.
I am not a saint.. i gladly accept that. I have my dark nature and i never deny myself of that reality. When it comes to who i am, i never lie.
Now, that my birthday is coming I will celebrate but before i do… i have to come clean. I want to be true.
I will not deny that I am shattered like a broken mirror inside that needs recycling. I will never deny that everyday i breathe heavy and every sunset turns cold. I like the day more- its warm.
One good thing about me is that i have an automatic support system that activates whenever things go the wrong way. It is my defense system that made me cope up each day strong. It is my wall that instantly create a way for me to have a cover. But this is only when i am engaged in the daily circumstances… not when i am alone to rest.
I know how to smile in happy times, i know how to smile in the saddest times, sometimes even in terrifying time. That is who i am… weird but not too weird.
Did i regret it? Yes I do. I will never deny such. Ask me and i will directly answer. But I will not say sorry. There’s no sorry for there is a reason. I should not also deny that there are two sides to the story. And there are certain things that did happen that made me change. Certain things that happened that made me start blaming. Certain things that this time should be confessed what was not confessed.
Is it hard? But ofcourse, i still have my senses. But like what i said, my mind has a programmed support system that put me through the day…made me strong. There are moments of weakness though.
Have you ever had the feeling that when you turn to a direction you suddenly feel a tightening feeling from the chest up to the throat, then the sensation moves to the nose then to the eyes like squeezing for a tear or something? Like when you are doing something, a moment of thought passes that makes you feel sad and heavy…something of that kind. You ask why?
Because these things happen in the places where memories are embedded. Places where shared events occurred that made an impression in your heart. Somethings that never erases because you know deep inside they are worth keeping forever. They are worth keeping for they will never happen again. For these were the days when you are happy doings things because a special someone is by your side giving his hand in all the things that you are doing- almost letting him do all the things and him letting you do the lightest work.
These things happen almost everywhere for the two of you went through almost everything. And everywhere you turn who see his image. You see the scenes like watching a flashback in time. Seeing the actual events that unfolded before… passing by your eyes. And it made you pause. It made you feel heavy. A twisting feeling immediately runs up until a tear escapes out… and you know it is over.
When you enter your house you see his image. You see him help clean your room and held fix you things. You see him take care of you tirelessly even if you became demanding most of the times. You see him make you offer you food because he knew your hungry and tired from work. You see him massage your aching back and give you your meds when you are sick.
You see his image when you look at your pets for he was there when you acquired all of them. He was the one who gave the rabbit, he was the one who took the dog to vets, he was the one who helped you get the aquarium for the fishes.
You see his image when you go to the supermart. You see him pushing the cart as you go the monthly routine of getting the goods whenever salary came. You see him surprise you with dinner to a nearby restaurant. And you see him remind you of the things you forgot to buy at the drugstore.
As you ride your bike, you see him riding with you. It became too usual that you became used to it. And now it will take another getting used to.
When you went to school, you see his image. You see him fixing your enrollment papers and is the one taking care of the entire procedure. The only thing left for you to do is stand and wait. Whenever you have a school activity, you saw his image there doing all the work for you. Even help you clean up after the celebration is over.
Whenever you passed by a real state agent you see his image because of the beautiful plans you made together. A house for the two of you and your pets where you will stay for the rest of your life. Where happy things could have always happened.
When your phone beeps you immediately look at it thinking that the message was from him but then you realized the number was no longer there.
And when you sleep, you see his image. You see scenes of the two of you and you feel scared and afraid feeling that there is a problem and in the climax of the situation you wake-up and realize that it was not part of reality no more.
Its hard. Isn’t it? I must have hit really hard this time. I admit it.
I really miss everything. I got used to everything that i had that i have to adjust to a lot of changes. I will be missing some especial things that should have, would have, could have happened. I…don’t know what to do.
Maybe there’s more to this sanity. Maybe there’s deeper meaning to everything. May there’s another time. Maybe but all maybe’s
If there is a ride to turn back the hands of time, i would really be the one jumping to the front seat. Maybe i could have corrected myself… or maybe i could turn down being harsh.. or maybe i could have loved more.
Somebody was right. I should not have been loved too much… for i end up only wanting alot and giving less. Somebody was right… it was the best i ever had. And at a moment i did think that it was my destiny… but it expired just like that.
In a flash of a second i see a light, i see you, i see what happened, i see the laughter, i see the crying, i see the shouting, i see the threats, i see the tickling, i see the embrace, i see the hug, i see the kiss, i see the love, i see the dream, i see the hope, i see birthday cake, i see… i see… i see nothing.
And the end came, then there were tears, there were missing, there was regret, there was wishing, there was the sorry, there was the anger, there was the blaming, there was the decision, there was the pride, there was the goodbye… it’s heavy…there’s no more air.
I will not deny how i feel especially when it came to you… you really were the best…. and there was nothing left but a road in front of me. So i took a step forward.
I forgot to say out loud how beautiful you really are…. I got to say I LOVE YOU one last time….
This is used to be one of songs i used to sing with glee… now it has a different tune in my voice. Before i used to sing this with a smile… now i still sing it with a smile but with called water falling down.
At Last (original by etta james)
At last, my love has come along
My lonely days are over
And life is like a song
Oh, yeah, at last
The skies above are blue
My heart was wrapped up in clovers
The night I looked at you
I found a dream that I could speak to
A dream that I can call my own
I found a thrill to rest my cheek to
A thrill that I have never known
Oh, yeah when you smile, you smile
Oh, and then the spell was cast
And here we are in heaven
For you are mine
At last…
Last April 29 i joined the NCSHs Faculty outing in Caramoan. Even with two low pressures on both sides of the country, we still pursue our island hopping escapade.
Where is the sun?
First word-breathtaking. It is the first time i visited the place. I am not a country-side type of guy so i seldom thought of going to remote places or to islands where “then i feel” i don’t have the luxury of the city. So when our boat passes through the different rock formations, islands and islets, of the mentioned place- i was thrilled. It is like the scenery i usually saw in movies. It is not the usual islands i have seen before. It is far from the views of pasacao nor the usual mountains and hills near my place. The first time i saw the rock formations i instantly recalled the movie ” the beach”. The place is truly wonderful
Second word-rollercoaster. Remember we pushed this getaway with a bad weather. And since this is Island Hopping trip, we will be going through a lot of water. So what to expect? You have wind blowing cold air together with the never ending rain, the result is a rollercoaster ride at sea. I feel sensations in my stomach everytime the boat tilted from left to right. Everytime we hit a big wave and the side of the boat will drop to its side, everyone would shout in a mixture of fear and thrill. There was even a moment when Sir Raphy (co-teacher) went upset and demanded the boat driver (or captain) to stop at the nearest island.
Nice Sand
Third word-Fun. With a bunch of thrill seekers and full of humor people, we never run out of fun. Picture here, picture there. A lot of mischiefs and jokes.
You can view some of the pictures from the trip at my gallery (i removed those pics that does not include me ofcourse).
My Apologies…
Now that my hectic days of working have subsided, I can now look at myself in the mirror and let it all out. Let my tears burst out. Let all the pain escape out. And in the night of loneliness, finally drop to my knees and surrender. It is all over…and there is nothing inside but emptiness and seclusion.
My apologies… that it took me awhile to stop and let things sink in. I got a lot of responsibilities to do. A lot of work to do that I have no time to assess myself or what happened. It was so stressful that it even took toll on my temper and my actions.
My apologies… that I wasn’t able to show my softness. I have a hard shell you know. You may think it is all okay outside but it was really all crumbling inside. Bit by bit torn and broken. Nothing left but drops of cold water.
My apologies… if I was not accommodating lately.I know it is not an excuse that I was busy. I take responsibility for that. My apologies.
My apologies… if I’m not very expressive. I know you loved me more than yourself, to the point that you left none for yourself. And I thank you much for that generosity. I will never forget, and I will always be in debt. But please do know that I love you… more than you know…
My apologies… If you think I did not appreciate all your effort and the pampering you gave me. But I did…and up to know I do. I appreciate every thing you did. I appreciate all the help you extended. I appreciate all the concerns you have given. And every time you take care of me, I am very happy- Secretly smiling and looking at you. Admiring at this wonderful person that I thought I have with me. And I thought I was very lucky to have met you. Very lucky indeed. Now i’m on my own.. no one’s gonna take care of me, the way you did…
My apologies… I thought I will have you forever that I became too confident that you will never left me. I thought this was it. I thought it was already the best. I thought I finally found the one I will sit next to till the time I grew old. I never thought that the light we have will burn out. Now its too dark that I can’t even start a spark.
My apologies… if i can’t help but cry tonight. Its all I can do. It’s all can think of. I cant lift myself… im too tired. Its so heavy I can’t breathe.
My apologies… if i cause a lot of heartache for the two of us. My apologies for all the fights I started. I was not able to take good care of you. I wasn’t able to take great care of your heart. I wasn’t able to return everything you gave. I wasn’t able to think of the greatness you did. I…will surely miss every thing about you.
My apologies if I still call you my boo, if I still think of the memories we had, If I still recall the things we did together. I will always think of the time we ride the motorcycle and go around the city. I will always recall the shopping we did together. I will never forget your laughter. I will always remember the days you helped me with school work. I will miss the Christmas, the New Year, the Valentines, the Fiesta we had together. I will always call you boo… even if you have decided that this is the end of the road of our journey together.
My apologies… if i restricted you on a lot of things that i knew are important for you and your future. I was too protective that i wasn’t protecting anymore. I am sorry.
My apologies… The moment I found the five bundled red roses waiting for me outside our gate today, I knew that it came from you. And the moment I opened the card attached to it, I finally realize that this is it. It is all over. I thank you for the lovely message inside. And just like what you said, I thank you for everything you did and I am very sorry for all the hurt I caused. It is very hard to accept.. but i guess there is nothing left to do.
I will miss you boo…. I will miss every single day we are together. I will miss the times we shared together. I will miss the corny jokes, the movie trips, the food you always bring me. I will miss a lot of things…a lot.
Mirmo, Fifi, Angel, Barack, and the rest of our pets will miss you. Don’t worry, I will take good care of them… Babiboo will not have her “kakawat” anymore. I will not have my boo anymore.
I know every moment leads to a start. That every door closed, opens another. But I don’t think I can make a good start nor open another door. I know its time to move, but please let me stay at this point for a while…for sometime… as I collect every broken pieces of the world we built together…
Don’t worry about me… I will take care of myself… I wan’t you to take good care of yourself too. Promise me that. I know i’m the stronger one but just the same….I don’t want anything bad to ever happen you. I still believe that there is a someday for the two of us… someday….
My apologies if i cant say goodbye… i can’t do it. It is too heavy, i cant utter a single word. I don’t want to say good bye.. i can’t do it.. i won’t do it…
My apologies… my apologies…i thank you… i thank you… for everything… for all the things.
You were the best, you are still the best… and i do believe you will always be the best…
Someday when we cross each others way… i will be smiling… because i know this person once loved me… and i am very greatful. I wish you will find your happiness because that is the only thing i request… that you be happy… always happy…..
Its been more than a year since i last wrote an entry in my blog. Many things happened, certain events that took much of my energy and time. But now i am writing this for i think the urgency is needed- i am excited to announce certain things that i hope to unfold gracefully. I also think that those interested in this topic would really want to read this.
Yesterday, as i was traveling to legaspi to fetch my renewed professional license, a call from someone captured my attention. I have announced before that i just lost my phone together with the sim, so the entries in the phonebook of my new phone are literally of those of my family. What i am saying is that i dont know who is calling- i guess anyone outside my family who will call my number will definitely not be recognized.
As i was saying, somebody called. I don’t know who it was so i kept on asking "who is this?" Later i found that i was Mr. Alferez, the principal of Naga CIty Science High School. It is not a secret that two years ago i left NCSHS because my permanent item was stationed at Tinago High School. And it is also not a secret that i dred it- everything about it. And it is not a secret that i have requested for a transfer but was denied a couple of times.
So going back to the call, i learned that Mr. Alferez (towards the rest of this i will call him principal) searched for my house in order to retrieve my number because the old number he was trying to call was no good (you know why). The call was to inform me to meet him at his office and talk about something. And there was urgency in his tone. I said i can come by at around 4pm because im headed to Legaspi. He agreed and the call ended.
So let me shorten this portion. I went to PRC, Legaspi City, Collect my liscense, then went to Gaisano Mall for 45 minutes, then go back to the terminal, ride a van to go back to Naga City.
I already know what the call is about. It has also been 2 years that the principal has been requesting to the superintendent that i’b be returned to NCSHS. I will not brag and the reason is because of my excellent performance when i was there. I am not anymore surprise if the principal will go through negotiations to get me back. And i am humbled.
Just last december 2007, i was urged by a faculty member of Ateneo H/S to apply at their school, saying that my qualifications fit in the mentioned institution. I was talked about the advantages of going to AdenU. And i will admit- i am really going to grab it- if not for the incidents that recently unfold. Just this April 2008 as i am having my masters degree in UNC, the dean of graduate school and a certain professor told me to apply at a private institution with hints referring to Univ. of Nueva Caceres and the latter added to remove myself from Tinago High School (for obvious and a little insulting to THS resaons). But overall my plan was to apply in AdenU this coming December 08.
So, i was back in Naga City and went straight to NCSHS admin. office. There was the principal waiting. We talked. And let me summarize what we have discussed. There is a new item given to NCSHS and THS (which means a new teacher will be hired permanent) and the principal argued to the superintendent tht i’d to transfer to the ncshs instead of having a new teacher . The superintendent agreed to have an item swapping so i can be transeferred back to NCSHS and a new teacher will be hired permanent in THS. The principal told me the scenario and asked me if i am still willing to take it (the news about me leaving the public school and transferring to a AdenU has reached the ears of the people in the Division Office and has created a buzz recently). The question denitely needs an answer and i have to give that answer immediately.
Without any hesitation, i said yes. I am willing to take it. With that we ended our meeting and he instructed me to submit another letter of request to transfer to the superintendent which i did this morning.
After the offers of private schools and my "other opinions" about the public system, the question is why i took the offer to return to ncshs. The answer is simple- i am a naguenian- and will always be a naguenian. I have said before that if ever i enter the public schools i will only choose NCSHS. The reason is because i consider the school my home. I am mostly comfortable there. I am happy there. And i believe that it is my calling.
Now if everything went well, this June 08 i will be once again stepping inside Naga City Science High School. And i hope that to happen. To those who have been expressing regrets when i left the school, i thank you for your support and now i will be back. If in this blog i have stepped on other people or institution (hint: THS) its not my intent, i just told what is true as far as i am concern.
Theres nothing wrong with being single
its nice to be free
i can stay out late every night
i can wear whatever i want
i can just be my plain old self
the whole world sees that i can take care of myself
but to tell you the truth
i wouldnt mind having someone to walk me home
i wouldnt mind wanting to look good or trying to be better for someone
i wouldnt mind letting someone hold me when im just too weak to go on
its nice to be free but i wouldnt mind being bound to someone who loves me
